原来。

原来同一句话出自不同人的嘴，是不一样的。

不一样的。
是真的不一样的。

原来　最疼痛的表情竟是没有情绪…

有很多时候明明是知道的，却假装着一无所知。
不要责怪我　因为我需要我的保护色
不要怀疑我　因为没有表情才是我最真实的表情

你会发现我的眼神有时会变得空白，
就这样死死地看着你，让疲累的头脑去领悟一些我无法明白的事情。
你害怕　所以总是逃避这种恐怖而让你费解的眼神
你害怕　所以总对自己说那种没有表情的表情不是一种表情
真的很想问你…
难道真的有那么恐怖吗？


哈！我想…　
没有表情才是最安全的吧！不置可否才不会让人讨厌。
所以常否定心中的不满情绪，
说服自己去表现得嘻嘻哈哈的，去表现得大方。
尝试着去欺骗别人，其实是想欺骗自己。
常傻傻地希望一切杂念能够自己消失，
但总会有个声音在提醒着我…
那是不可能的。

外表很重要吗？

…　…

嗯…我想是吧。

都说了嘛！不一样就是不一样！
烦死了啦！！！

算了算了。连我也不知道自己在说什么。
就当是我在说废话好了。

…　…

唉…是纳闷的咧。T____T;;
heh heh 我疯了。

--Anon, written in Year2000

3:26 PM



I can hear the cracking sounds of the contraction of the com monitors under the full blast air-con. This is how cold it is in the com lab now. Brr...

Ok, I have lots to crap.

I think I should really send an email to the school admin asap, regarding the degrading of the students lo. Especially the girls! Such a shame to the fellow female student body including me!

1) The toilets in the college are getting ditier and dirtier and DIRTIER. Toilet paper everywhere, the bins are full of "bloody things" sticking out (yikes!) and the people just dun give a damn to the well-being of the toilets' doors. The girls, and I can safely conclude that most of them are from J1, have been playing around with toilet paper. How else can toilet paper run out so fast? We dun steal them to write essays wad. It wasn't like that last year. We were VERY PROUD OF OUR TOILETS IN THE COLLEGE!!! As compared to those of other places. We dun throw bloody stuff everywhere, we dun throw toilet papers everywhere and we dun kick and bamg on the cubicle doors until they are crippled. The most we have done was to shake our wet hands dry and get the sink all wet, not other places but just the sink. You should have seen the poor toilets... They are so dirty! And I must emphasize that keeping the toilets clean is not the cleaners problem. Itx ours!!! The student body!!! If we have taken the responsibility to keep the toilets clean, I think the cleaners wouldn't be so frustrated over their work lo. Cuz the 5th floor toilet auntie always shoo me ( and other ppl) off whenever she has just cleaned the toilet. Look at how "traumatised" they are?!!!

2) Still on toilets. I think we should make a habit to always switch off the lights of the toilets whenever we exit from there and when there r no other ppl in them anymore. My sec sch installed auto switches for the toilet lights but it turned out worst.
Auto stuff are still not as flexible as humans, I tell u. While sm ppl were doing business in there, the auto lights will be switched off after a certain period. So, when u hear people screaming, check out the toilets. We have to rush all the way to the toilet to switch the lights on for our frightened classmates. And it is very bad in instiling the sense of responsibilty of the students.

3) STILL on toilets. You wouldn't believe what I saw in the school toilet yesterday.
A girl flashed in the toilet to her classmate who just came out of the cubicle, as an act of mischief. What is becoming of the college's students??? And yep, they were J1s... -_-''

As a council nominee has once suggested, " You seniors must respect us b4 we respect you."
I tried to. Really. But here's just one word for u ppl...

"Respect the toilets b4 they respect you."
("Choke!" gasped the toilet)

8:22 AM



Please Hear What I'm Not Saying

Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
for I wear a mask, a thousand masks,masks that I'm afraid to take off,
and none of them is me.

Pretending is an art that's second nature with me,
but don't be fooled,for God's sake don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure,that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well
as without,
that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command
and that I need no one,
but don't believe me.
My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend,
to shield me from the glance that knows.

But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only hope,
and I know it.
That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself,
from my own self-built prison walls,
from the barriers I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure meof what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this. I don't dare to, I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance,
will not be followed by love.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me,
that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing
and that you will see this and reject me.
So I play my game, my desperate pretending game,
with a facade of assurance without
and a trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks,
and my life becomes a front.
I tell you everything that's really nothing,
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,
what I'd like to be able to say,
what for survival I need to say,
but what I can't say.

I don't like hiding.
I don't like playing superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me
but you've got to help me.
You've got to hold out your hand
even when that's the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes
the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings--
very small wings,
very feeble wings,
but wings!
With your power to touch me into feeling
you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
how you can be a creator--an honest-to-God creator--
of the person that is me
if you choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
you alone can remove my mask,
you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic,
from my lonely prison,
if you choose to.
Please choose to.
Do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.
A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach to me
the blinder I may strike back.
It's irrational, but despite what the books say about man
often I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls
and in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down those walls
with firm hands but with gentle hands
for a child is very sensitive.

Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet
and I am every woman you meet.

Charles C. FinnSeptember 1966

7:42 AM



So tiring.

2 tests. 2 stupid tests today.
And 1 right after PE.

NAPFA. Sick of it.
Should just fail like nobody's business.

Anyway, to the holy 4, your wish is my command.
Just dun be alarmed by the changes you'll see.

Ok, v sian. Dun feel like doing anything.
Just feel like sleeping. Should I skip classes to go home to sleep?

Hmm...

ZZZZzzzzzzzzz.....

Still wanna hide lei. Aiya~

BUEY SONG~ BUEY SONG~

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

:D:D



V confused now lo, dunno must switch to what channel now that the holy 4 had spoken to me...

T__T;;

10:09 AM



I didn't talk much today.

And I think I can continue this for another 21 days before it turns into a habit.

I lost my control over all emotions over the past week. And was kinda drained physically and emotionally.

Started to have bad dreams since Monday night after a strenous day with PE and long classes. Deep sleep. Couldn't even remember what I did last before I go to sleep the previous night and I can even forget the day which I woke up on. Bad memory.

Had an extremely scary nightmare two nights before.

MRT. Rushing home. Running down escalator. Closed gate. Trapped. Concentration camp. Dark atmosphere. Vampires. Threatening smses. Monsters. Genocide. Serene. Huifang. Peishan. Glass cabinet of human brains and chemicals. Magic. Murder. Blood. Escape plans. Uncles and Aunties. Ponder. Confused. Police. Customer. Decision to help friend escape. Adventure. Blood. Handphone. Sms. Snake blood. Showed sms to friend whom I was helping. Cold shoulder. Yanxing. Hurt. Embarrassed. Anger. "I helped you and yet this is how you treat me?!!!". " I didn't ask you to help. You brought this upon yourself. Stop acting as if you know everything." Snake blood. Snake blood. Damnation. Snake blood... Gave up on friends. Door. Escape. Caught. Thinking of 2nd try. JC clique. Disappointment. Hate. Bllod. Snake blood. Lost trust. Being laughed at. Gave up. Abandoned them. 2nd try to escape. Audience. Observation. Door. Speed. Screams. Escaped. Way home.

Still very shaken by the dream.

Another evidence that I am losing control of my emotions again.

So I think I should just shut up in school.

I am very tired. I think I am giving up.

Sorry if you ppl dun understand what I am writing. I dun feel lyk elaborating anyway.
Bad week.

People frm diff worlds cannot cum tgth.
Can't.
Shan't.


I hate misunderstandings.
I am sick of them.
Like how they are sick of me.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH~
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH~
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH~
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH~
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH~

I AM ME!!! DON'T BOTHER TALKING TO ME IF YOU ARE NOT HAPPY WITH ME IN THE FIRST PLACE!!! GO TO ALL YOUR OLD LOYAL FRIENDS! END OF FRIENDSHIP BETWEEN US!!! SHOULDN"T HAF MET U AS A FRIEND AT ALL!!!! YES I AM VERY EXREME! I AM VERY BITCHY! I ALWAYS ACT AS IF I KNOW EVERYTHING! I AM VERY PROUD! I AM VERY SICKENING! I CAN'T GET ALONG WELL WITH ALL YOUR FRIENDS!!! I SHOULD JUZ DISAPPEAR!

That's the real me. If only you all can see the effort I had put in to chain up this montrous side of me and present myself as a happy-go-lucky person who just wun care about her image.
From now on, I am back to MYSELF.

Since no one knows how to appreciate. Since I am always the one praising myself (in a joking manner to hide my true feelings). I am on my own.

Forget about all the apologies I once gave you all. They are all invalid.

Next week you will see the real me behind the newly chosen mask.
Yes. The selfish one. And without all attempts to please you ppl.

Definition in my dictionary: No expression on face = expression.
Had you all cheated. Muahahahaha.

I am a born liar.

3:51 PM